different now somehow..
I used to love indulging in retail therapy
Pushing my debt further for the sake of
A statement bag, a party dress
I now choose different routes through this city
Purposefully avoiding the boutiques I
used to be compelled to enter
Not wanting to see racks of dresses I
want but can’t afford
I couldn’t really afford them before either
I just bought them anyway but
Its different now somehow
I meet a pair of friends for lunch
The café’ is chosen because Its central and
they can bring their poodle there
The menu comes. Brunch or lunch?
They query. The girl sets down a
Winter white bag from Chanel
Inside A ring, real diamonds She’s
not allowed to see it again
Until after Christmas
These two were always out of my league
its impossible to ignore it now
They talk about their upcoming ski holiday
My berlin friends lust for travel But
rarely have the means
to get out of town
most of my london friends
have high salaries
and need their holidays They
don’t stop otherwise
I guess I was, I know I was the same before but
Its harder to relate to them now
My berlin is already starting
to shrink around me
My London feels too busy,
a shade bourgeouis
I walk down oxford street with
this craving for lingerie
I thought I’d treat myself.
But price tags of forty pounds, delicately
dangling off a pair Of lace frilly knickers
seem ridiculous. I walk out empty handed.
No desire for indulgences now
Sometimes I feel like
some of my friends resent the way I left
they’re still locked down 9am to 10pm
Better to work through your lunch break
Or you might not leave till eleven
I’ve allegedly become Some kind of bohemian
Creating, producing, performing
but probably in their opinion Not working
They regard me differently now.
I used to have a profession
I used to be a professional
Sometimes my Berliner friends
Catch glimpses of this former me
Sharp talking, organized, hyper productivity
The friend who said I’m the only one she knows
Who plans ahead (and she just meant the coming weekend)
In London I’m teased for
No longer keeping a diary
But I like that I don’t live by one now.
Back here I can’t bring myself
to make concrete plans
I walk and wander
Sipping gingerbread lattes
Wanting something,
what I’m not certain
But I’m definitely
Not quite settled
Its just
Different now somehow.
